I hate Winnie the Pooh

There must be subliminal messages in children's books and cartoons that either insite them to violence or vandalism.

Case in point:

What we affectionately call The Honey Incident. Our daughter took a full bottle of honey and went artistically ape in the basement all over the floor, toys, and couch. This wasn't a big dump of honey anywhere. No, this was little tendrils splashed to and fro.

Why would a child do this? Upon asking her, she simply replied, "Because I wanted to be Winnie the Pooh."

Sorry, but the last time I checked, that bear ate the honey, not danced around with it, decorating a room in its sticky goodness.

Some parents have a v-chip to sensor the television. Sadly, I have to resort to blocking the Disney Channel.

Easter

"Tomorrow is Easter, Rachel."

"Yes, I get a basket?"

"Yes, you do, but let's talk about why we celebrate Easter and it has nothing to do with baskets."

"Jesus?"

"Yes, Jesus. Tomorrow is the day set aside to celebrate his resurection and when God fulfilled all of his promises."

"And EGGS!"

"...."

"Um, no. Eggs on Easter came about for other reasons. Jesus didn't have a bunch of colored eggs with him when he walked out of his tomb."

"....."

"How about we go over this tomorrow, honey, it will make a bit more sense."

"No, Jesus did not die. You said he lives and Easter is about EGGS!"

"Okay, I'll go with that. Ready for bed?"

"Yes, just don't forget the eggs tomorrow."

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Letters

"Mom! Come look I did it, I did all my letters!"

Looks at husband in confusion: "Letters?"

"Guess we had better go and look."

tump tump tump tump tump up the stairs

"Ta-dah! See!"

"Ohhhhh! Um, yeah, I see. You did do your letters...all over your wall around your room and in your closet, too!"

*takes several deep breaths*

"Um, honey. Let's remember this from now on. Letters belong on paper only, okay? Paaaaaper."

Looks at husband and he shrugs: "You're the one that suggested home schooling."

Blitzkrieg

A friend asked me why I haven't posted in about a week and I calmly informed her that during warfare, communications are often severed on the front lines. There has been a lull in munitions fighting overnight, so I'll quietly sneak out to do my reporting.

Rather than go into detail, I'm just going to list the events of last week that have had me questioning my decision to have four children.

1. The coconut tree. Two children decided to finger paint with my body lotion on my bathroom mirror and call it "the coconut tree". Thank you Chika Chika ABC's. You've inspired my children to vandalism.

2. Two urinary moments in the basement. There are days when I'm sure my daughter is losing her mind.

3. The remote. Oldest son found it fit to disassemble the downstairs TV remote. Thank goodness the Koreans made it so easy to put back together or off to the store I would be to by yet another universal remote.

4. Candyland. The children raided a box of lollipops and had about 15 each lodged into their sticky little hands. Even I know when to just leave something alone.

5. Books in the vacuum. Apparently board books belong in the collection canister. They were in the way.

6. Sprinkles. I hate decorating sprinkles for cakes and cookies. Apparently, my bed was not complete without an container of the suckers spilled from head to foot board.

7. Reboot. The computer didn't work properly, according to our eldest son's standards, and so he decided to unplug the entire thing from monitor to speakers.

Whew! There you have it. Solid birth control for the future generation. Parents, have your teenage sons and daughter's read this and commit it to memory. It's a jungle out there, especially with a house full of monkeys.

Truce?

*takes off camo-fatigues*

Hmm, me thinks lord WTF and his minions (aka my children) seemed to have initiated a cease fire for the last few days. No major messes, melted toys, heck, even the baby didn't cry when he received his shots today.

Must be the weather. It even puts dark overlords in a good mood.

*UPDATE*

ASSASINATION ATTEMPT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seems my oldest son placed a marble in my water glass, probably in an effort to see if it would float, sink, or dissolve. Good thing I saw the hint of blue in the center of said clear marble. It seems lord WTF knows no bounds, but a-ha! I have found his cache of WMD's and they are mine!!

Bowling

"Steve? What is that noise?"

"..."

"For Pete's sake." *gets out of bed and pads across the hall when sleeping mate refuses to acknowledge my existence after head meets pillow.*

CRASH! "What the...?" *opens oldest child's bedroom door*

"Nice Throw! I got the 10 pin, Mama!"

There sits the oldest of our brood, about 12 mini Mt. Dew bottles he's saved up over time, empty of course, and his wooden train tracks set out to act as bowling lanes. A proud and pleased grin graces his face while he does some sort of "raise the roof" woot woot type of dance.

"Son, let's do this tomorrow and not at a time when even God is taking a power nap. M-kay?"

*head nod in the affirmative from boy*

I'll miss these days when he's up for unknown reason playing his Mt. Dew bowl-a-rama game at 3am and they are replaced with worries of what he is doing in his room at age 15.

Planets

So, here are the names of the planets, according to Rachel, that grace our solar system. And for those of you that don't count Pluto, PFFFFFFFFFFFFT, I don't count you.

"Okay, Rachel. Hit it."

"Mercury, Penis, Earffff, Mars, Juumpiter, Saturn, Uranus (funny just all by itself even when pronounced correctly), Neptune and Puto."

"Good, sweetie, good. Um, Venus. Veeeeenus. Not penis. Don't need the state coming in here or anything."

Even the quiet days are good for a laugh.

Beware the Nakey

Nothing strikes fear into my heart as the sight of my nakey daughter. She's not grotesque or anything, looks like a normal little girl. No, what makes me tremble with trepidation is the story behind her lack of suitable attire. Oh, our little darling is a fashionista in her own right and is seldom without clothing in any fashion. She picks her outfit out right down to the princess knickers. So, for her to show up without a stitch on her means lord WTF has struck again. It usually goes like this

"Rachel?"

"Yes?"

"Where are your clothes?"

"Um...I spilled something on my shirt."

"Okay, but why are you without your pants?"

"Oh, they're wet."

"With what?"

"I pee-peed in them and came up to change."

"WHAT THE...*deep breath*...Rachel, where?"

"Oh (insert various location here). I'll clean it up tomorrow.

Now, forget about getting a why out of her. There is truly no point. Any parent of a child knows what this is about. This is the sheer will power of a child overriding their carefully crafted potty-training so they don't miss out on any fun. Simply put, they just forgot that when bladder is full, empty it in the appropriate vessel. I have a feeling my daughter will also be the type to say, "Screw it" when the check engine light comes on.

Sigh. I'm off to scrub carpet and hardwood floor because this diddy of a Worse Than Failure moment has happened twice in 24 hours. I'm going to be hitting the Dew hard tonight.